Understanding Anger In Midlife and How To Cope

In midlife we often come face to face with ways of coping that no longer serve us in difficult experiences, disappointments, or changes that we may not want to accept. Anger is a complex emotion that sometimes can be hard to know how to process and manage. It can be a gift that shows us our boundaries have been crossed. It is often a secondary emotion that we experience after feeling other painful emotions like sadness, fear, disappointment, guilt, or shame. And, anger is tied to our body’s natural stress response - fight, flight, or freeze - as it’s meant to prepare us to fight. However, fighting doesn’t always mean physical outbursts the way we tend to think about it initially. Anger doesn't have to lead to rage or outbursts to be a good reason to seek therapy.

Like stress, a healthy amount of anger can be a good thing. Anger can motivate us to make positive changes in the world or our own lives. It can help us recognize what is and isn't working for us at home, at work, or in our social lives. Some people experience more anger than others, and some seasons of life can be more anger-provoking due to social pressures, feelings of loss or change, and difficulty accepting what is. For instance, many women in midlife find that anger can arise from a lifetime of feeling taken for granted, the sense of loss of moving from active parenting to an empty nest, or moving from feeling visible in our society to invisible with age.

Because anger is tied to the stress response of the sympathetic nervous system, persistent anger often has negative impacts on our wellbeing. Anger can damage our physical health and immune system due to the prolonged release of stress hormones. And, anger can put pressure on our relationships, even if we are managing our anger well. So, learning healthy ways of processing and coping with anger is important, not just for our mental health, but for our overall wellness. For many years, I developed and led Anger Management groups. I saw how destructive anger can be when not managed well and how quickly people can learn healthier perspectives and skills.

Individual therapy is a valuable resource where people can develop skills to reframe unhealthy thoughts and beliefs. In session, you can learn to identify the emotions that lead to anger and learn ways to calm your nervous system through deep breathing, meditations, or visualizations. Outside of therapy, exercise and bilateral movement have been proven to help people resolve strong emotions and have a greater sense of wellbeing. The bottom line is that, while anger is often a part of people's midlife process, therapy can help you find healthy ways to cope and feel more empowered with your anger.